Jordan Busits never appreciated romantic comedies as much as her friends did when she was growing up. She flinched and experienced a visceral dislike when a classmate in middle school offered to be her boyfriend.
She believed that once she reached puberty, she would begin to get the hots for her friends or develop crushes. She told Unclosed Media, “I was brought up to think that eventually, hormones will hit you and you’ll get attracted to boys or girls, but it just never came.”
With the passage of time, Busits’ confusion grew. What’s the matter with me? She would ponder. A buddy didn’t speculate that she may be asexual until she was seventeen and expressed her annoyance in the lunchroom of her high school.
Busits believed the term instantly captured her experience, even though she had never heard of it.
Busits, who is currently 27 years old, identifies as autistic, asexual, and aromantic: You know, a triple-A battery.
The original version of this article appeared on Unclosed Media.
Although the degree of apathy varies from person to person, aromanticism and asexuality are characterized by a lack of romantic or sexual attraction to any person of any gender.
The Asexual Visibility and Education Network estimates that 1% of the population is asexual.
Jordan BusitsBeing polite Jordan Busits
Busits’ experience is consistent with an increasing amount of studies showing the link between those with autism spectrum condition who identify as aromantic or asexual. 33% of the 80 participants in a 2009 study on navigating adulthood with autism appeared to be asexual in their orientation and showed no desire in forming a sexual relationship. This discovery was important enough to merit more investigation. Asexuality is overrepresented among individuals with autism spectrum disease, according to a different 2021 study.
Despite the paucity of studies, campaigners and experts see a connection. According to Mark Stokes, director of Deakin University’s Healthy Autistic Life Lab, asexuality is common in autistic individuals.
One person even shared an apollin 2023 photo on Tumblr with the message, “Have you noticed any patterns lately? Are you neurodivergent and on the ace/aro spectrum?” 32.7% of the 7,340 votes said “yes.”
What then is the cause of this correlation? According to Dena Gassner, a senior research scientist at the Autism Institute at Drexel University, an autistic person may be discouraged from dating and having sex because of the unpredictable nature of relationship intimacy. If their spouse touches them during a private moment and they are unaware of where or when the touch will occur, they may be locked up. According to her, they could become really stressed and anxious over it.
Gassner says many autistic people experience difficulty in interoception, which is the brain s ability to identify and process the body s signals. They may also have sensitive startle reflexes, which could make partner intimacy feel overstimulating and unenjoyable.
She goes on to say that Ehlers-Danlos syndrome, which results in hypermobile joints and suppleness of the skin, is also common in patients with autism spectrum disorder. Activities like sex can be unpleasant and dangerous, and some people with both disorders avoid them completely because of the high risk of dislocating their joints.
The Asexual Visibility and Education Network states that being asexual does not always entail not having sex at all, but rather a specific approach to it. Some people may be sex-indifferent, which means they may not want sex but be prepared to have it to appease a partner. They could also be open to discovering techniques to enjoy having sex with a partner because they feel sex-favorable. According to Busits, she falls into a third type called “sex-repulsed.”
I consider my sex repulsion not just to be an asexual thing, but more so dictated by my autism, because I wouldn t want anyone or anything so much as touching me around my lower half, she says.
According to Stokes, some autistic people may be put off by the social complexities of intimate relationships. He claims that although the majority of autistic people are more than capable of learning social skills, they might not wish to simultaneously manage the social and physical facets of intimate relationships. They could favor a solitary action like masturbation if they do desire sexual gratification.
According to Gassner, she has encountered a lot of autistic women who firmly believe in bondage during sexual encounters because it can include explicit guidelines, such as safe words that end the conversation. It also makes it harder for a partner to touch them without warning. “You have total control over the situation if you’re in the dominatrix role,” she continues.
However, many people have little sexual or romantic attraction in other people. Where attraction ought to be, there seems to be a gap. Em, who has autism and requests to be called by her first name since she is not out to her family as aromantic, states, “I don’t feel attracted to anyone in any sense.”
No matter how many people I see, my brain and body simply don t react the same way others do. It feels like there s something missing mentally when I talk to others who experience it, she told Uncloseted Media.
Em thinks she struggles with empathy due of her autism, which contributes to her belief that she is asexual. A whole range of emotional processes that ought to be there seem to be lacking from me. According to her, it can eliminate or lessen attraction.
According to a 2022 National Institutes of Health study, there is an imbalance between cognitive and emotional empathy among autistic individuals. A neurodivergent individual may find it difficult to do both at once, whereas a neurotypical person can more readily recognize another person’s emotions and comprehend how they feel.
The notion that autistic persons do not have empathy is completely false, according to Stokes, who also notes that empathy is a complicated phenomenon and that different autistic people exhibit empathy in different ways. He claims that alexithymia, a condition that makes it difficult to recognize and process emotions, affects roughly 50% of individuals on the autism spectrum. One’s capacity to emotionally connect with people may be diminished by alexithymia, which could lessen their desire for a romantic relationship.
Busits claims that she has observed greater understanding and acceptance from people around her after she initially came out as asexual in 2017. I think there has been a wonderful movement in allowing us to be more open about our sexualities because I now see people entering our bookshop with pins like the aromantic pride flag or the asexuality.
However, Busits claims that a particular type of ignorance results when asexuality is combined with the autism layer.
Many people simply believe that we are more immature and incapable of comprehending the idea of a love relationship or having sex with someone else. She says, “I don’t think I need to explain to you how incredibly ableist and rude that is.” It would be equivalent to claiming that homosexuals only date people of the same sex because they have no knowledge of the other sex.
67% of autistic participants in the 2009 study still had a desire for romance and sex, despite the fact that autistic people predominantly identify as asexual or aromantic.
In fact, because it causes them to experience a strong, joyful sensory reaction, some autistic persons may find that they like sex more than neurotypical people. Sex is enjoyable for certain sensory seekers who enjoy intense pressure and physical contact, according to Gassner.
A lack of desire for intimate relationships does not equate to a lack of affection for others for those on the autism spectrum. Em says she wants to find someone who appreciates and knows who she is and is open to a partnership.
“I tend to have higher standards than [people who aren’t aromantic] when I’m not attracted to them,” she adds. It must be a mutually beneficial relationship in which we both have a strong emotional attachment. In terms of gender or sexual orientation, I can locate someone from almost any group of individuals without any attraction.
This type of relationship is categorized as queerplatonic by the Asexual Visibility and Education Network, which defines it as a more intimate and committed partnership than a friendship that is neither romantic nor sexual. For example, queerplatonic partners may share a bed, co-parent, and live together but not get married or have sex.
According to Busits, “I’ve noticed there’s a love hierarchy in society.” Romantic and sexual interactions are always prioritized over friendships, familial ties, and sibling relationships. It’s absurd to think that a wife and her husband have a stronger kind of love than a wife and her friends. Why must platonic relationships be viewed as inferior?
According to Gassner, it is crucial to emphasize that being asexual does not entail abstaining from all sexual engagement. Access to sex education for individuals on the autism spectrum is crucial, she adds, adding that it is not just a safety issue but also an awareness one. We frequently hide information from children, believing that because they are so developmentally delayed, they do not require it, rather than teaching them how to be safe and make their own decisions.
More respect, representation, and recognition for individuals on the autistic spectrum, members of the ACE/ARO community, and, of course, those who are both are things that Busits and Em long for.
I think it would be nice if people got more comfortable with the idea that autistic asexuals aren t just, like, living a stereotype, says Busits. Even if we re a small part of the population, we re still here, and we still deserve to be represented. Autism and asexuality are both very complicated identities. We shouldn t be just put in a box.
Uncloseted Media
is a new investigative media organization committed to providing objective, nonpartisan, rigorous, LGBTQ-focused journalism. This article reprinted by permission through a publishing partnership with The Oregonian/OregonLive.
