Greetings, Miss Manners The hostess had decorated a beautiful table with candles and flowers for a dinner party. I gave her props for the scene.
Later, as supper began, I discovered that the flowers were obstructing my vision of the person seated across from me, which prevented us from having a possible conversation. I asked the hostess if we could move the tall flowers so we could see each other because I wanted to talk to this guest. (The table still had towering candles and some lovely, shorter flowers.)
She shifted them while muttering loudly enough for everyone to hear that I was spoiling the lovely table she had prepared. Despite how humiliating that was, I remained silent and thanked her for relocating them.
My spouse later told me that I shouldn’t have spoken. The host ought to have been more polite, and I thought I handled it correctly.
GENTLE READER: Miss Manners will not agree with your husband’s suggestion that you did anything wrong.
Perhaps, however, he was only implying that, given that you both know your hostess, her response was expected: You were fortunate that she did not empty the vase into your lap, lowering the level of the flowers.
If it occurs again, you might ask to have the flowers moved while maintaining a strong grip on them, or you could repeat your compliment about the flowers.
Stories by
Judith Martin
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Miss Manners: Work friend has asked me to join her for lunch out, but I just can t afford it. What do I say?
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Miss Manners: Sending a ‘Merry Christmas’ card to those who have lost loved ones this year seems off
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Miss Manners: Why should I care about the comfort of the person sitting behind me on a plane?
Greetings, Miss Manners I was requested to confirm anything, but since it’s a private subject, I don’t want to. Because it’s too personal, I don’t want to lie or dispute it, but I also don’t want to acknowledge that it’s true.
It appears that they will still interpret my avoidance as a yes even if I sidestep the question or don’t respond immediately. What am I supposed to say?
GENTLE READER: Not at all.
Confirmation bias is frequently caused by avoidance or procrastination, its more tenacious cousin. If there is no proof to the contrary, your friend will conclude that you have confirmed what they want you to.
A polite but firm no, according to Miss Manners, would be more understandable for all parties.
Miss Manners can be reached by email at [email protected], via her website at www.missmanners.com, or by mail at Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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