The first edition of this column appeared in 2021.
To Annie, please: How do I let my married adult children know that I dislike spending the holidays with my ex? My son invited my wife, my ex, my daughter and her family, and myself to Thanksgiving together, even though he lives many states away. I will be spending a holiday with both of my children for the first time in almost seven years.Since the birth of my granddaughter, my daughter has hosted Christmas at her house each year. My ex is always there, even though we are invited. At the very least, I believe that holidays should be joyful occasions, so perhaps we should switch around the years. However, that doesn’t occur.
Being around her on Thanksgiving makes me dreadful. When everyone else is out of earshot, she makes fun of me or, in my perspective, wants to cause a fight. I view her as an unfaithful witch who lies and cheats.I would rather be with my children than with her. She has a history of conflict with my son-in-law and daughter-in-law. I could go on and on, but my letter is lengthy enough. — Preventing ExDear Preventing Ex: Saying that to your adult children is the greatest approach to let them know that you don’t want to spend the holidays with your ex. However, be aware that it may mean spending less time with your children.You essentially have two options: Spend more (quantity) time with your children without your ex making offensive comments, or spend less time (but quality time) with them while ignoring the negativity and chatter of your ex-wife.She will be in your life no matter what you choose. It’s advisable to attempt to forgive and let go of part of your resentment toward her for her infidelity. For your sake, not for hers.
To Annie, please: Two years ago, I ended my relationship with my children’s mother. Our past has been quite difficult. After our first child was born, we split up for two years, and I mistreated her for the first couple of years. After eighteen months, we reconciled.On our second tenure, we had another child and stayed together for seven years. She wouldn’t leave her mother, and my job eventually took me away, so we didn’t work out.I am now seen as a criminal. I am only permitted to speak with the youngest of them once a week and do not get to see them. It can take me an additional six months to acquire a court date because the mother won’t work with me on a reasonable schedule and the courts are so overburdened.I worry about the way my children are being raised and what they are being told because the mother isn’t a good person. While I wait for the court date, I’m not sure what to do. — Father Who Is WorriedTo Whom It Concerns: You may understand why she is avoiding you because, at least, you are being honest and acknowledging that you did not treat her well. However, if you’ve truly changed, why don’t you write her a letter outlining your life’s events? Give her flowers and the children presents. You could even attempt to speak to her mother in a quiet, collected manner. Instead of waiting for your court date, try wooing them a little. You won’t require it if you succeed.
For Annie Lane, send inquiries to [email protected].
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