The first edition of this column appeared in 2021.
To Annie, please: My fiancé and I have been together for fifteen years. She was in a prior relationship and has two children.
Her daughter had just turned seven and her son was six when I entered their life. After the divorce, their father ceased all contact with her children, so I almost instantly took on the role of a father figure to them.
I was 23 years old and had never been a father before, but I liked spending time with them. I was not always a decent person since I made a lot of mistakes and became dependent on opiates.
The father of the children eventually returned to his son’s life, but he claimed he had no interest in my wife’s daughter because he wasn’t her biological father. Being her parent made me very happy. I frequently considered being her father, if she had any, and escorting her down the aisle.
Our friendship soured as she grew older. She acquired new personality traits, and I battled addiction and frequently failed to make her feel good about herself. At the time, I believed I was acting appropriately.
She moved out and gave birth to a wonderful little boy, and I eventually sobered up. Making apologies with those I have harmed is a part of my healing process. Her son is completely enamored with me and refers to me as Grandpa, and I love her more than words can express. I’ve apologized to her numerous times, acknowledged my mistakes, and expressed my pride in her life’s accomplishments. Being a grandfather to that young guy and having a relationship with her are my top priorities. But she’s built a very strong barricade.
Do I have to accept that I will have to let her leave, or is there anything else I can do? Please assist. — Destroyed in Illinois
To Torn Apart, dear: Your stepdaughter most likely anticipates that, like her biological father did many years ago, you will disappoint her once more or leave her completely.
The results speak for themselves. Let your apology be evident in your actions rather than repeating your words of regret for your errors. Hang tough and plant your feet. Prove to her that you have changed and that this time you are staying put.
Be patient; it may take some time for her to warm up. Being present for our children is one of the most crucial things we can do as parents. She will recognize the kind and caring father she has always had standing on the other side when her wall finally comes down.
To Annie, please: My adult daughter works, as does her spouse. When my husband and I visit them, which happens about four times a year, they send out food and ask us to pay our portion of the bill because they don’t cook. Occasionally, she will use my credit card to cover the entire cost. I always take the check when we go out to eat, which I consider to be practically required of them.Since I have been entertaining them everytime they come to see us for the past 20 years, am I asking too much? — Having Lunch with BillDear Bill, I’m having lunch. Sometimes old habits die hard when it comes to parents paying up the tab. Your adult daughter definitely doesn’t hesitate to give you the check if you’ve been paying for meals since she was a young child.Regardless of justifications, charging guests for their portion of a dinner is rude. Say something like, “You take care of this one, and I’ll treat us all to dinner tonight,” the next time she attempts to bill you for lunch.
For Annie Lane, send inquiries to [email protected].
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