To Annie, please: I recently retired from a demanding 37-year career teaching high school in an urban setting under extremely challenging circumstances. I’ve been married for more than thirty years, and I have two kids in their late twenties.Throughout my life, I have been a good husband, parent, and provider for my family. I have a very special bond with my daughters. But because my wife didn’t appreciate the sacrifices I made at the conclusion of my career, I still hold some grudges against her.Many of my friends who retired with me were duly acknowledged by their spouses and close relatives, who threw parties and get-togethers to commemorate this once-in-a-lifetime occasion. My wife, however, strongly objected when I asked if we could host a small get-together for some of my friends at our house. She explained that she had already hosted parties for her parents and brothers on other occasions and didn’t think it was essential to celebrate my retirement.I never mentioned it again because I felt completely undervalued at the time. But I was taken aback when, three weeks later, my wife was in charge of planning a retirement celebration for a church member. I witnessed her investing a great deal of time and energy into planning a celebration for someone who was not related to her. This undoubtedly caused me to feel a great deal of resentment, but I was able to control my emotions.I requested my wife to host a little birthday party for my friends at our house when it was time for my 60th birthday, and she became upset with me again for simply asking. A month later, however, she went all out and forced me to attend her brother’s 60th birthday celebration.Many of my close friends were shocked to learn that she had never acknowledged my years of hard work and effort. When we eventually had a meaningful discussion about the matter, she broke down in tears and confessed that she felt bad about ignoring both significant occasions. She spent some time seeking professional assistance to overcome her feelings of guilt.I remain resentful even after she acknowledged it and apologized, since my reasoning indicates that she had a valid reason for overlooking such a significant occasion. She becomes agitated and leaves if I attempt to discuss it with her. In addition, because we are a mixed-race couple, I have had to put up with offensive racist remarks from her mother and brothers during our marriage. I’ve kind of ignored those because I’ve learnt to cope with them throughout my life. What irritates me is that she now boasts about all the advantages she has gained from my retirement, which she chose not to acknowledge.I’ve given divorce a lot of serious thinking because I don’t want to live my entire life with someone who doesn’t respect me. I haven’t done so because, despite the fact that my girls are now adults, I’m terrified of the emotional toll it could take on them. What should I do, in your opinion? — Hurt and Underappreciated
To the Underappreciated: Even if your wife may have shown regret for these recent incidents, it’s obvious that you have had to put up with a pattern of contempt and disregard throughout your marriage, especially when you consider the racist comments made about you by her family over the years. You are perfectly justified in feeling offended and angry.
A competent couples counselor can assist you two in identifying the cause of this behavior and coming up with a remedy. Even while your resentment is natural, the longer you ignore it, the more it will strain your relationship. You deserve to be in a marriage where you feel appreciated, loved, honored, and seen, regardless of your daughters.
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