Greetings, Abby My husband is a miserable man. Since his dismissal from his more than 25-year work five years ago, his minor problems with depression, alcoholism, and smoking have grown significantly. He rarely eats, takes a shower only twice or three times a week, sleeps until ten or eleven in the morning, and is always holding a drink by four or five o’clock in the evening. Despite having COPD currently, he has no intention of quitting smoking. He would never think about going to therapy.My husband is almost recognizable because he has dropped so much muscle mass and weight. He seemed to miss having sex, yet his lack of physicality would make it unpleasant even if he made an approach. In any case, I have lost interest. Although he was never affectionate, he now has bad personal hygiene, and his hands and breath both smell like smoke and alcohol.He finds it difficult to leave the comforts of his home. He struggles with stairs, long walks, and even placing restaurant orders. He seems to be attempting to speed up his own demise. I genuinely believe that I have already done everything I can. I’m numb, but I’m fine. What guidance would you provide me? — UNSUCCESSFUL IN KANSASDEAR HOPELESS: It appears like your hubby doesn’t have anything to live for. You said that although he seems to miss having sex, you are no longer interested in him because of his current state of health. Have you explained to him that he is no longer the person you fell in love with and that seeing a doctor about his depression would be a huge start in the right direction? If he says no, think about giving him that carrot. You may feel differently if he is prepared to make an effort to get back on track.For those who are really hooked, there are nicotine alternatives that assist users breathe in fewer harmful byproducts. Supplemental oxygen can help people with COPD get some exercise; this is something that should be discussed with his doctor as well. In the end, though, your husband must WANT to help himself. If he doesn’t, it might be time for you to find the closest Al-Anon organization (al-anon.org/info) and go to several meetings. This will help you realize that you are not responsible for his self-destructive conduct and that only he is capable of helping himself.
Stories by
Abigail Van Buren
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Greetings, Abby After becoming a widow, a longtime buddy no longer has the leisure to stay in touch. I’ve sent her supportive notes and invited her to dinner and coffee. She has other social obligations and waits days or even weeks for a response. I can relate to sadness and loss, but this seems wrong. With a rigid arm, leave. I suppose it’s time to leave. Correct? UNPREDICTABLE IN INDIAUNEXPECTED NADEAR: It’s possible that your efforts to console her were overwhelming her. You might want to take a backseat and give her time to regain her equilibrium, depending on how long ago she lost her husband. She will pull away from you the more you press her.
Abigail Van Buren, better known as Jeanne Phillips, is the author of Dear Abby. Her mother, Pauline Phillips, began the company. For more information, visit www.DearAbby.com or send an email to P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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