Greetings, Abby Savannah, my 40-year best friend, has spent 20 of those years in a miserable marriage. Her husband has repeatedly cheated on her. He emotionally assaults her and her daughter and is unable to maintain a job. He won’t leave the house now that she’s finally had enough.Savannah isn’t taking any action to forward the divorce, even though his behavior has been terrible. In what she describes as a sacrifice, she continues to cover his travel expenses and invites him to family gatherings at her daughter’s request.Hearing how damaging this has been, supporting her when she says she’s leaving, and then learning that he’s still there for whatever reason has been quite challenging. She becomes hostile and ends the conversation when I confront her and imply that she’s making excuses for not moving forward with the divorce.She has started phoning me twice a day for the past two years and gets upset if I don’t pick up. She regularly tells me stories about her husband’s conduct for a week or two, but I’ve asked her to stop. I’m at a loss on how to be a decent friend without adding to her terrible circumstances and feeling overpowered by her outreach in general. How can I support her without causing our friendship to fall apart? — A WEARY MICHIGANDEAR FRIEND STRONG FRIEND: You might have to come to terms with the fact that Savannah wants her broken marriage to continue for as long as it has. She has you to lean on when the pressure gets too much, so she doesn’t need to continue.It might be time to put more of your attention on what you need to do for yourself and less on what you can do for Savannah. You shouldn’t feel bad about letting her solve her difficulties on her own if that means taking a back seat.
Stories by
Abigail Van Buren
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Dear Abby: I ve been in the same friend group for 40 years. Now politics has torn us apart
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Dear Abby: Am I really supposed to thank woman who hit my son on his bike for donation of a new one?
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Dear Abby: Our long-time friend wants nothing to do with us, even as her husband is dying
Greetings, Abby We’ve been going out to dinner once a month as a bunch of old coworkers for years. The youngest member in the bunch is my daughter. Two of the six of us in our group have recently ignored and disregarded her.I am offended by their treatment of her because I am her mother. She no longer goes out with us, but I’m not sure if I should either. They have treated me with nothing but kindness. I’m at a loss as to whether I should go or not. — DEAR HURT IN THE MIDWEST: Have you inquired as to why these two former coworkers made your daughter feel uncomfortable? They were impolite. Have you gotten the opinions of the two people who were welcoming? It’s possible that you and your daughter might feel better at ease interacting with them alone. However, if you like the company of the group, I don’t think you should leave.
Abigail Van Buren, better known as Jeanne Phillips, is the author of Dear Abby. Her mother, Pauline Phillips, began the company. For more information, visit www.DearAbby.com or send an email to P.O. Box 69440, Los Angeles, CA 90069.
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