To Eric, Beth, my sister, suffers from depression that is resistant to medication. Jo, my other sister, who is in good physical and mental health, had a very difficult year. Jo usually throws family gatherings.
Jo texted our group chat a few weeks ago to let us know that she wouldn’t be able to host this year. Our brother booked accommodations for Christmas, and I offered to handle Thanksgiving.
Jo was reprimanded by Beth for using spoons when she is not mentally or chronically unwell. According to Beth, spoon theory is exclusive to those who are mentally or chronically sick, much to how oppressed communities reclaim a former insult.
Jo changed her comment to state that she is not able to host this year due to a lack of bandwidth. You can do better now that you know better, Beth replied. Jo was definitely taken aback by Beth’s tone and wording, even if she is correct about this.
I want to discuss this with Beth. Was she correct in the first place before I did that? If she was, how would I explain to her that Jo doesn’t have depression but still faced a lot of challenges?
Taking Advantage of the Bandwidth
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To Bandwidth, That Beth was given the chance to show empathy but instead opted for scolding saddens me. That method of instruction is ineffective. In a 2003 blog post, Christine Miserandino used the term “spoon theory” to describe what it was like for someone with lupus to have little mental, physical, or emotional stamina for daily duties.
Many people who live with other chronic illnesses, disabilities, or health challenges—the impacts of which may be imperceptible to others who do not—have embraced it in the years afterward. By the way, the analogy to a recovered slur is untrue and unnecessarily offensive.
Having said that, let’s assume that Beth’s incisive reaction was her way of expressing her grief, or maybe the understandable distress of not always having her struggles recognized the way Jo’s were.
ButYouDon’tLookSick.com is the name of Miserandino’s blog. The name serves as a helpful reminder that we can never truly know what another person is going through. Though empathy is not a limited resource, Beth’s difficulties are not overshadowed by Jo’s difficult year. Beth could have ended the conversation and returned to it later if she hadn’t felt moved to show sympathy for Jo.
Be kind at the beginning of your conversation with Beth. Find out if there are any areas in which she doesn’t feel supported and seen. Find out how you can listen or assist. After that, remind her that Jo is overcoming her own obstacles as well. At the very least, encourage a second draft of the conversation or an apology.
For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at ateric@askingeric.com or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.
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