To Eric, My two-year partner and his family—mother, younger siblings, and mother’s boyfriend—live with me.
His mother told me yesterday that my partner’s semi-estranged father, a violent and controlling man, is not his biological father. My significant other is unaware of this. Nor do I know if any of his relatives are aware. Since before my partner was even born, the man who assisted in getting her pregnant has not been involved.
Although I am grateful that my partner’s mother has enough faith in me to confide in me, I didn’t want to know this information and now regret doing so. Although it doesn’t feel right to hide it from him, I don’t intend to tell my boyfriend this secret because it isn’t mine to reveal.
Additionally, I’m concerned about the possible consequences of informing him now or letting someone else know later (particularly if my partner discovers that I knew but kept it from him). In addition to not wanting to harm our connection, I also don’t want to sour his already tense relationship with his mother. Your advice would be greatly appreciated.
Not My Secret
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R. Eric Thomas
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Dear Secret: You’re in a horrible circumstance because of your partner’s mother. It wasn’t proper, and she needs to address it if you want to continue having a relationship with her.
Discuss with her in private what you mentioned in your letter: Keeping a secret from your lover, especially this one, makes you uncomfortable. Additionally, you won’t do it for the sake of your connection with your partner.
Next, find out how she intends to discuss it with him.
You should have a solid and unambiguous stance. Your relationship with your partner may suffer irreparable harm if you keep this a secret.
She might have felt that she had no one else with whom to discuss this. You can show love and empathy while simultaneously stating that a boundary has been breached and that you both need to work to correct it. If you don’t deal with this secret, it could also develop into a poisonous issue in your living space.
Find out when she intends to speak with you. It ought to happen shortly. Start planning your post-event conversation with your spouse in the meantime. It’s crucial to let him know that you’re there for him, that you’re sorry you learned about it before him, and that you’re willing to support him in processing any mixed emotions he may be experiencing.
For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.
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