To Eric, The parents of my spouse are no longer together. After nine years of marriage to their son, my in-laws have begun corresponding with me rather than my husband to arrange things in the past year or so. For instance, my spouse called his father to arrange plans for the upcoming year. My father-in-law texted me the information of the times to come and eat a few days later.
This is not to my husband’s or my liking. Dealing with his and my family’s preparations, along with all the other details for two children, is too much for me. My husband believes that he is being treated like a child with no maturity and that he is being excluded from the process.
Nothing happened that didn’t show my husband’s ability to plan ahead. How do I let each of my in-laws know that they should call their son rather than me?
Breakdown in Communication
Respected Communication: You may be perceived as the planner by your in-laws. Perhaps you are an expert with the family calendar or respond to texts more quickly. With divorced in-laws who aren’t coordinating schedules, it’s a gift that can turn into a burden.
Your husband dealing with it head-on is the simplest way to proceed. The fact that you are the one who approached your husband about it, even though he shares your frustration, may point to a potential opportunity.
By being even more aggressive in directing his parents’ routines and expectations, he can re-enter the proverbial loop. “[Your name] has a really full plate; I’m going to be handling family planning going forward,” he might tell them. Before this sticks, it might need to be gently redirected.
For example, when your father-in-law texted you about New Year’s plans, you may have responded, “Can you send this to [husband]?” He is in charge of the plan. Yes, it’s an extra step. Future planning should go more smoothly for everyone, though, if your husband asks explicitly what you both want and you remind your in-laws of the best methods to communicate.
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For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.
