To Eric, My 65-year-old sister and I have always had a kind but unloving relationship because our parents never taught us to show affection for one another.
Due to an immigration obligation involving his now-wife, my nephew got married in a civil ceremony at my sister’s house in the Midwest last month. I was unable to obtain coverage at work as we were informed of the wedding date one month prior to the ceremony. So my daughter and wife went in my place.
Now, my sister is organizing the couple’s second wedding in Hawaii. It was nine months prior to the date that we were asked to commit. We stated that we were unsure because I am not yet able to confirm that I will be able to set up coverage.
My sister sent us a disgusting letter claiming that my wife had crashed the first wedding (she wasn’t invited, according to my sister) and that I had an obligation to go, no matter how far away I lived or the season. How do we explain that Hawaii requires two flights from the East Coast, that the wedding will take place on a Tuesday during the hottest part of the Hawaiian summer, and that the same thirty guests who attended the previous wedding will attend this one as well? For my wife and I, cost is not the main concern, but it is for our three grown children.
A second marriage
Stories by
R. Eric Thomas
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Asking Eric: He s held onto the secret of fathering a child for 50 years. Is now the right time to finally meet his son?
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Asking Eric: I swore I wouldn’t ditch my friend once she had kids. But I’m tired of seeing her only at play dates
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Asking Eric: Couple worries about leaving granddaughter with their brain-injured son who has temper issues
To Wedding: You have every right to refuse to attend the wedding if that’s how you feel. Naturally, there are other forces at work, most likely as a result of the toxic sibling dynamic your parents created. Although it’s necessary to unpack that, a wedding isn’t the best time to start. Therefore, at least for the time being, attempt to set aside as much of that as you can.
But I understand why you’re not in a rush to RSVP. The letter from your sister is too hostile. Did your wife not receive an invitation to her nephew’s wedding? even though you received the invitation at your home? Nonsense! It’s up to you two to determine whether the second wedding and any drama that may arise are worth it. Maybe it’s to keep your friendship with your nephew intact. Maybe not.
In any case, you will have the ability to control your sister’s expectations after you have made your choice. Give her a date by which you will know for sure if you say “yes,” but that you won’t know about work coverage until later. She can choose to accept it or not, but that’s the best you can do.
Planning a destination wedding raises reasonable logistical concerns, but when one begins using terms like “duty to attend,” the discussion shifts from planning to controlling conduct.
There is no need to argue with her decisions on the wedding venue and season. Nor do the decisions you can make in light of your personal situation.
For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.
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