To Eric, Greg, my 65-year-old brother, is near death. He has recently expressed his desire to discuss how he has no regrets about the amazing life he has enjoyed. His recent insistence that I assure him I have no regrets about my life has only made me consider how many I do have.
Greg made my life miserable when we were kids. He viciously harassed me and threatened to sexually assault me. When the police called about Greg fighting or starting fires, my parents were too preoccupied to deal with his teachers.
I must give him credit for changing his life at the age of thirty. He immersed himself in a New Age faith and dedicated his professional life to assisting other distressed individuals in overcoming their experiences.
Greg set out to make atonement to everyone he had harmed in his past when he was in his 50s. I believed I would finally receive the apologies I had been waiting my entire life for when he came up to me. But he said he couldn’t remember the details of any of the terrible things he had done to me.
I am aware that Greg accepts his mortality by living by the maxim “no regrets.” However, I am unable to convey my lack of regret to this largely unrepentant sibling. It was awful enough to grow up in the wrong family. How should I explain all of this to him?
Attempting to Reframe My Viewpoint
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R. Eric Thomas
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Dear Perspective: Be honest and know what you’re saying. When I spoke with Kent Matthies, a therapist at the Council for Relationships, regarding this letter, he said as much.
Here, timing and your brother’s health are important considerations. For example, you might not be able to have a constructive conversation with him if he is in and out of consciousness. Speaking with a friend, a therapist, or an abuse survivors support group could be a better way to tell your truth.
Matthies then suggested asking for what you need. It could be directed at your brother, but it could also be directed at other people in your life. Don’t be scared to discuss where you are and what will make you feel comfortable, especially with intimate partners.
Unwillingly, you have been drafted into your brother’s story. Therefore, the objective is for you to recover your power and figure out how to define the story for yourself.
It might entail forgiveness, but it’s not a given. According to Matthies, it could also manifest as regular self-care routines, spending time in nature or listening to music, or participating in community activities. Indeed, this is quite important, because a whole planet is involved. It’s simple to think that this is the entire planet.
Matthies suggested letting yourself grieve as you need to, in a supported approach that works for you, when interacting with people who have hurt us but won’t admit it. Neither a chronology nor a perfect grief exist.
You might not need your brother to help you deal with your suffering. You don’t need to be regretless. However, it is possible to accept the reality and your emotional state. You also don’t have to contribute to your brother’s no-regrets attitude. In this scenario, you don’t have to be what he desires.
For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.
