To Eric, After over 30 years of marriage, my spouse and I still enjoy each other’s company.
After many years, like many couples, there are some things we do that irritate one another. I’ve always been a little untidy, but he’s always been tidy and well-organized. He always reminds me to put things in their proper places because my closet is generally disorganized.
I have ADD, functional autism, and am also going through menopause. This is a reason why I have trouble remembering things, not an excuse.
His demeanor when reminding me or offering assistance has been blatantly cruel lately. He chastises me and makes me feel awful by speaking to me like a child. I sobbed about it at first and did everything I could to remember and change, but now I feel upset when he confronts me. He gets upset when I tell him that I don’t like being treated like a child. We move on from it after a few hours, but it recurs a few days later.
Am I the one? Is that him?
Weary of the Stress of Mess
Stories by
R. Eric Thomas
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To Tired, I’ll tell you what, it’s not you. Your spouse may wish you were more organized or that you remembered the things he asked you to do, but that is his problem, not yours, at the moment. The reason is that he doesn’t accept you for who you are and doesn’t moderate his response enough to be understandable. Being cruel doesn’t motivate people to improve. He might approach you with answers, or at the very least, the mindset that you’re both doing your best.
Even if I’ve been harsh with him, let’s presume that he’s doing his best as well. Maybe certain things in your life together began as little irritations for him and have now grown into bitterness. Despite his feelings of helplessness, he is not helpless over this resentment. He can put some effort into that.
He might have thought that you were intentionally doing these things or that you could just snap your fingers and change. Finding solutions that satisfy your wants will be simpler if he accepts reality sooner rather than later.
The book Dirty Laundry: Why Adults with ADHD Are So Shamed and What We Can Do to Help is something I heartily recommend. It provides information for neurodivergent individuals and their spouses, as well as examples of how to have more fruitful talks. It was written by married couple Roxanne Emery and Richard Pink, one of whom has ADHD.
For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.
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