To Eric, For over 40 years, I have been married to Fred, a wonderful man.
Since I asked him to, he has really improved his ability to listen to me and react to what I say.
My problem is that, although I’m not particularly good at it, I enjoy painting watercolors and try to do some each week. In the past few years, I have also started to play the recorder. I’ve gotten better and I like it.
Fred has never made any remarks on my playing or painting. It would be nice if you could say something like, “I like that painting,” or “Your playing has improved.” What can I do, even if I don’t want to ask him to do this?
Nothing to say
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R. Eric Thomas
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Dear No Remark: In the past, you’ve done a fantastic job speaking up for yourself and discussing conversational techniques. I want to congratulate you both. Here’s another chance to accomplish it. Fred doesn’t seem to have the same expectations as you, which is okay. All you need to do is find a medium ground.
Try requesting comments in an impartial manner. How does this painting make you feel? It’s okay if Fred responds; you can ask him to elaborate on his thoughts. I’m working to get better. This line of inquiry demonstrates that you value his viewpoint and that you have a goal that he can assist you in achieving.
Hobbies might appear to be closed-off universes that don’t require outside influence. If you keep inviting Fred in, you’ll eventually get more praise and more interaction.
But what if all you want is encouragement rather than frank criticism? You can also direct that. Is there anything about this painting that you like? or I’m pleased with my development on the recorder during the past few weeks. Let s celebrate that.
There aren t many situations in life where saying I would like a compliment now, please, is going to go over well, but a happy, healthy relationship might be one. How fun, how eccentric. How truthful, too. We all could use a little encouragement.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas [email protected] P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him onInstagramand sign up for his weekly newsletter atrericthomas.com.
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