To Eric, I am among the many lonely individuals who find it difficult to form meaningful friendships. I’ve never had it easy, and it’s made worse by the fact that I’m an introvert who lives far from family and works from home part-time while raising three young children.
I would want to have more female pals, but my spouse is a wonderful buddy and support system. I began inviting folks to barbecues, big parties, dinners, and vacations a few years ago after we relocated to our present (extremely sociable) neighborhood. I formed two bunco groups and a book club.
When someone mentions a birthday or other significant occasion coming up, I make an effort to pay attention to what they have to say and remember to text them. I offer to arrange play dates and watch the kids. I get along well with a lot of people, yet I’m rarely, if ever, on other people’s invite lists, and I don’t receive any birthday texts.
People do appear to like me, therefore I don’t think my social skills are terrible. And while I don’t mind my friends hanging out without me, I do worry what I’m missing. As an adult, am I expecting too much from friendships? With what I have, should I be content and not lonely? I realize how fortunate I am to know so many of my neighbors, yet they forget about me as soon as I stop attempting to communicate with them. To be honest, I’m tired of the one-sided effort and am prepared to give up.
Weary of Attempting
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To Trying, I’m about to tell you something that will most likely make you angry. I’m sorry ahead of time. People around you could think you’re too good at socializing and believe you don’t need the kind of friendly check-ins we all do, or that your calendar is constantly filled. Naturally, this is counterintuitive, yet human nature is peculiar.
There are numerous advantages to being the epitome of a social butterfly in what you say is a very social field; you should be proud of what you’ve accomplished, but it may also be preventing you from forming deeper relationships.
Try to focus on a smaller area. Do you have any particular individuals that you would like to get to know better? If so, concentrate on developing a string of significant exchanges with them. Telling them your plan, such as “I’d love to be better friends,” is okay. Is it possible for us to meet? One advantage of meeting friends as an adult, in my experience, is that you may express your true feelings.
It’s clear that you have a lot of talent at creating communities, which is no small accomplishment. However, you may not always benefit from the party if you are in charge of it. Being more focused and strategic won’t make your social circle smaller, but it can make some of your casual acquaintances become friends.
For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.
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