To Eric, I’ve been dating my girlfriend for a while. She has many friends, some of whom are closer and whom we visit frequently, and I always have a good time.
However, we get asked to big parties a number of times a year, and I always feel uneasy there.
I just don’t think they’re good for casual conversation, so I tend to keep to myself, occasionally sneaking out and strolling about the neighborhood. My girlfriend seemed really unhappy when I recently told her the truth. What should I do about this?
The Party Pooper
To the Party: I hope your partner will understand that you made the right decision by talking about your needs rather than languishing in agony, even though she may be frustrated that you don’t like the same things she does. She might imagine you joining her large social group, but she also knows you and probably understands that you’re more of an introvert.
Remind her that you’re more than happy to attend some events. Discuss it beforehand and try to find a solution if she would prefer not to go alone to certain events. Maybe you spend thirty minutes chit-chatting with her, kiss her, and say you’ll see her at home. Both of you will be able to control expectations if you are aware of the plan in advance.
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Asking Eric: I didn’t handle my husband’s life-changing car crash well. Now, he’s not sure he loves me
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Asking Eric: It irks me when my friends label time spent with my kids as babysitting
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Asking Eric: My husband s brother blatantly stole from family s estate. Why does he want to reconcile?
To Eric, I really appreciate your advise newspaper column. Thank you.
I’m writing to offer my thoughts on the typical language that you and other people use when someone says or does anything that hurts them.
In my view as a psychologist, thinking that someone has wounded your feelings is codependent. I think it would be more accurate and less judgmental to say that I was offended by what you said and did. Learning to communicate using “I” statements as opposed to “you” statements is a component of therapy. Generally speaking, I statements are more well-received than you comments because they tend to make the recipient feel less judged and, consequently, less defensive in reaction.
I Declarations
Statements addressed to “Dear I”: I appreciate you bringing this to my attention. Even though it’s really crucial, I occasionally forget to include your statements. Thank you very much for the reminder.
For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.
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