To Eric, Despite just being a year and a half apart, my younger sister and I have had a lifelong cycle of arguments and battles.
Devastating loss has regrettably confirmed my sister’s pessimistic outlook on life. In contrast, I had a rather comfortable existence until our elderly mother suffered a stroke, which left me and my husband completely reliant on her for 15 years—financially, physically, and emotionally. I was thankful to be able to do it, but it was the most challenging period of my life.
The entire time, neither my sister nor her husband provided us any help. My sister had a stroke two years ago that left her unable to take care of herself. She expects me to take care of her the way I took care of our mother, and so does her incompetent husband.
I feel obliged to assist even though I dislike the expectation. Even though I’m in my 80s and still fit and active, I’m not sure how long I have left to live. Especially now that my sister has a husband and an adult son who all appear to believe that my life and efforts should be given up for her, I don’t want to spend it taking care of her.
They look on me to fill the gap when the caregivers I have hired for her don’t work out. I’m torn, angry, and depressed. I’m not sure how I can lessen my concern for her without experiencing severe remorse. How can I help?
Tormented with Guilt
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Dear Feelings of Guilt: As you pointed out, taking care of a loved one requires a variety of resources, including cash, time, emotion, logistics, and physical stamina. Care isn’t all or nothing, even though it can be all-encompassing.
Therefore, make an effort to view the care you are already giving your sister—finding extra help, supplying emotional support, and negotiating family dynamics—as a whole contribution rather than a partial one.
While suppressing the negative emotions that are still present from your complex relationship, the guilt is telling you that you should be superhuman. Because it stems from a desire to remedy the unfixable, the guilt is deceiving you. Keep in mind that you’re doing your best.
It will be very beneficial to have a talk with your sister about trying to resolve some of the hurts, resentments, and scars from the past. You should have a really difficult love conversation with her son and her husband separately. They are unable to inform you of your expectations. They are not allowed to disregard their loved one while you are burdened with the obligation. Since you had to locate the resources yourself, I’m confident you can direct them to them if they lack the necessary equipment or abilities. They need to take the initiative now.
For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.
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