To Eric, One of my acquaintances is often thinking, “Woe is me.”
Poor family dynamics, health problems, a lack of friends, and a lack of a support system have all contributed to their undoubtedly difficult life. But no discussion with them can ever go beyond all of the struggles they have faced, both past and current.
We now exclusively text each other. Almost always, it’s something bad, so I don’t even bother to respond. I answer with encouragement and praise when it’s something positive, like trying a new medication, starting to work out, or getting a job again. Even positive news, though, might turn into additional gripes about what isn’t working.
I am aware that this individual is contacting me because they require assistance. We first linked since I had experienced significant problems of my own, which they had also had to deal with. Having someone who could relate to those initial months was a relief. Now, I get tired just thinking about this person.
I understand that this isn’t a true friendship with the dynamics as they are and that I’m not required to offer more of myself than I can. I want to be sympathetic, though. We may have a genuine connection if we talked about other topics, but how can I politely state that I don’t want to engage with you if all you’re going to do is whine?
Not Your Counselor
Stories by
R. Eric Thomas
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Asking Eric: I ve resigned myself to a friendship with an ex, because if I don t stay around, she ll have no one
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Asking Eric: My neighbor screams at me when I try to take back my area of yard that’s filling up with her weeds
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Asking Eric: Smell from neighbor s pot smoking is unbearable. We can t even use our outside areas’
To My Therapist: A sympathetic ear, a shoulder to weep on, or a sounding board for grievances are all examples of compassionate friendship. In other cases, however, it entails establishing a distinct limit to allow the friendship to grow in a positive manner.
Instead of texting, it is preferable to do this in person or over the phone. However, you can and should state that I find it difficult to focus solely on what has gone wrong. I want to encourage you, but I also want to discuss topics that are good or uplifting for us both. When the talk becomes too negative, would you be amenable to me changing the subject?
Asking yourself if you need to vent or if you’re looking for guidance is another important tactic in all types of interactions. Sometimes the solution is to simply vent, and that’s okay. It’s also OK to remark, Roger, that at times. I’m not the best person to vent to at this time.
For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.
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