To Eric, My ex-girlfriend called me when I was in graduate school to tell me that my son was her oldest child, who was five at the time. She showed me images when we first met. Despite being married, she made no requests. All she wanted was for me to know.
I am aware that she has disclosed that her son is my child to at least one other mutual friend.
She never wanted me to meet the child, but we have since exchanged emails over the years. I’ve found a correlation between his birthday and the dates of his conception.
I’ve attempted to persuade her that since DNA information is so common, someone would eventually find out.
She changed her mind and said that her son wasn’t hers around the time of his 35th birthday.
I’m 75 and he’s in his 50s now. I’d like to see him if it’s real, but she’s always said that her family would be destroyed if he or they found out. I’m still unsure about its veracity. Should I try to get in touch with him or should I leave it as one of those unsolved mysteries of life?
Perplexed Paternity
Stories by
R. Eric Thomas
-
Asking Eric: I swore I wouldn’t ditch my friend once she had kids. But I’m tired of seeing her only at play dates
-
Asking Eric: Couple worries about leaving granddaughter with their brain-injured son who has temper issues
-
Asking Eric: Is grandma trying to be funny when she tells her children she loves the new baby better than them?
To the Confused: I understand the complex dynamics at play here, but I can see how the son could find it difficult to accept that you were aware of him for the past forty-five years and chose not to get in touch.
You should be honest with yourself about your goals and the type of connection you hope to establish when considering approaching him right now. Are you willing to make up for any sadness, perplexity, or rage he may be experiencing? And are you ready for the fact that he might not want to know now?
Here, there are a few unknowns that affect things. For example, your meeting would probably go quite differently if your ex’s son is aware that your ex’s husband is not his biological father.
Additionally, this would change the initial discussion you had with your ex. Because you must speak with her first, regardless of what you decide. You both started and maintained this scenario, even though she requested the secrecy. Give her ample time and space to make any necessary preparations, and if you are certain that you want to proceed with the meeting, explain why.
For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.
Note: Every piece of content is rigorously reviewed by our team of experienced writers and editors to ensure its accuracy. Our writers use credible sources and adhere to strict fact-checking protocols to verify all claims and data before publication. If an error is identified, we promptly correct it and strive for transparency in all updates, feel free to reach out to us via email. We appreciate your trust and support!
