To Eric, The love of my life passed away suddenly two months ago. He and I were friends for almost ten years before we started dating seriously.
A week after his death, I found out that he had other relationships and another girlfriend throughout our time together. His best friend later revealed that although I was his primary relationship and he had a genuine emotional bond with me, monogamy was never his intention.
In retrospect, the new details have clarified aspects of the connection that I felt were strange. Feeling hurt has made the mourning more difficult.
My current predicament is that he introduced me to friends, relatives, and coworkers; some of them were aware of or had met the girlfriend, while others were not. The audience would choose how he told his story about his connections.
I’m not sure what to say when someone wants to talk to me about how I’m doing or what I like best about him. My grief is complex, and I want to speak honestly about my experience, but I have decided not to disparage his memory in front of those who knew him. Is it appropriate to briefly and matter-of-factly remark that he has other romantic interests?
Holding on to Grief
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To Gripped, I sincerely regret your loss and that this fresh information has added to your sadness. That hurts and doesn’t address a lot of issues.
Choosing your audience is important when processing sorrow. You don’t have to suppress your emotions or hold yourself back, but think about who can handle this knowledge with the right kind of care. More significantly, who can give you the solace you deserve and need?
Speaking honestly about where you are in your grief or the information you have discovered about your partner is not gossip. And you might feel some relief if the folks you’re speaking to are able to accept the two difficult realities that you loved him and that this new information is painful.
However, before you express your emotions, you should consider how you would answer any follow-up queries that people may have. Saying that you don’t want to share more information about what you know or suspect is acceptable. However, I don’t want you to be taken by surprise by curiosities that could feel invasive and hinder your recovery.
For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.
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