“My spouse and I are well aware that the holidays can be a hectic time, particularly for those with big families and those in particular occupations. However…”Sony’s website, stock.adobe.com
Greetings, Miss Manners My wife and I have been doing a big, quite extravagant holiday open house for a number of years, complete with lots of handmade food, champagne, games, and kid-friendly accommodations. More than fifty people have frequently attended.
Although it costs a lot of money and requires a lot of work, we like the outcome. We see it as a means to keep up friendships with folks we might not otherwise have the chance to see during the year, as well as a gift to our friends. We sincerely appreciate the opportunity to host and view it as a privilege.
We accept donations of champagne or any other preferred beverage, but we don’t anticipate presents or reciprocation (a host can only do so much, right?). In this instance, everyone has a great time, and we take pleasure in making it happen.
I have nothing against those who fail to RSVP. The ship sailed a long time ago, let’s face it. We’ve done a wonderful job throughout the years of controlling our expectations so that we don’t run out of food or end up with enormous servings of leftovers, even though many people don’t reply. (We just remove them from the invitation list without causing them any ill will if they fail to RSVP and do not attend for a number of years.)
The people who do reply, but say things like, “Oh, it’s such a busy time for us and we’ve got so much to do with blah, blah, blah, and we’ll probably be coming back from out of town that day, and I just don’t know how to make it happen, but we’ll try to come if we can squeeze it in,” are the ones that bother me.
I think this is really offensive. My spouse and I are well aware of how hectic the holidays can be, particularly for those with big families and those in particular occupations. However, I find it incomprehensible that individuals react as though we’ve just added another intolerable task to their already full holiday to-do list, or that they’d be helping us out by taking on this extra load.
We understand if you can’t make it because the holidays are hectic! Please don’t come; we still love you and are okay with it either way. However, please don’t act as though we’re forcing you to do some intolerable duty.
Stories by
Judith Martin
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Miss Manners: How quiet do I have to be in my own backyard to accommodate the neighbors?
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Miss Manners: My long-time friend refused to host us during visit to her town
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Miss Manners: Does silence suggest you agree with hateful, ignorant statements?
PERSONAL READER: It appears that the ship that set sail was a member of a whole fleet of courtesies that were leaving. Congratulations to you and your spouse for organizing a big party without knowing how many guests will show up.
Since everyone else Miss Manners speaks with views this as a logistical nightmare, etiquette demands that prompt and conclusive responses be provided. In addition, it is disrespectful to turn down a friendly offer.
However, you exhibit remarkable tolerance, or perhaps you are simply realistic about the status of manners in the modern world. You don’t expect people to accept your invitations. You don’t expect your visitors to return the favor. You only take issue with slow responses.
In actuality, disrespect for the host is the root cause of all these mistakes. However, the dithering is the most manageable: Simply end it with greetings for the holidays and a We sincerely hope you can attend, or if you are extremely irritated, we apologize if you are unable to.
Miss Manners can be reached by email at [email protected], via her website at www.missmanners.com, or by mail at Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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