To Annie, please: My spouse and I have been wed for more than thirty years. Our two sons are in their early 20s and 30s, respectively. Gus, my husband, despises his sons with all of his heart. Gus’s refusal to interact with them ruined their childhood. Gus still ignores them or tries to offend them in any way he can.I’ve reached the point where I can no longer stand it. My eldest has left home and established a prosperous life for himself. My youngest, who is still living at home, is fervently seeking a relationship with his father.
Why would a man harbor such a deep hatred for his sons? Since he doesn’t believe this is an issue, my spouse will not attend counseling at all. Give me some advice, please. There’s not much more my heart can handle. — A heartbroken mother
To the Brokenhearted: Your letter raises the subject of how Gus treats you in addition to how he treats your boys. I’m afraid we won’t be able to fully understand the underlying causes of your husband’s lack of love or paternal instinct until he cooperates and is willing to work on his relationships with his sons.Make sure your sons, especially your youngest, know how much you love and support them instead than trying to make Gus be the father they need and probably failing them even more. To help you all begin to recover from this regrettable trauma and learn how to set boundaries that will shield you from Gus’ emotional abuse, I highly recommend counseling for both you and your children.
To Annie, please: Despite the fact that I had to be at work by eight last week, my good buddy Jess called me at six in the morning to ask if I could drive her to an appointment the same morning. Last-minute favors like this are increasingly common. She often makes me feel guilty by saying things like, “You’re the only one I can count on,” even if I’ve been tempted to say no.Although I truly cherish our connection, her incessant demands drain me. Without giving her the impression that I’m leaving her, how can I let her know that I need some more strict boundaries? — I feel exhausted.Dear Feeling Exhausted: Saying no is going to be the thing you’ve been avoiding.Tell her that although you want to be there for her, you just don’t have the time or energy to suddenly quit everything. A true friend will respect your boundaries, even if it feels awkward at first.
For Annie Lane, send inquiries to [email protected].
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