Greetings, Miss Manners I belonged to a club of mothers of preschoolers about 25 years ago. Although I thought of all the women as belonging to my wider circle of friends, I knew some of them better than others.
We maintained some communication when our children grew older and formed smaller groups, but they disbanded during the pandemic. Since 2020, I haven’t seen the majority of these women.
Among the women, one died. I didn’t know she had been ill for two years because we weren’t close friends, but I had good memories of her and was grieved by her passing. My intention was to attend the funeral. I also asked the sender about bringing food in a group email that she received from one of her close friends.
In return, I received a lecture about how the husband of this woman—who is always a prickly guy—had said that nobody cared because only two members of this mom’s group paid visits to his wife when she was ill.
If I had known she was ill, I would have been concerned. I didn’t attend the funeral because I felt uncomfortable after hearing this.
Did I make the correct decision? I believe that the reason individuals send out group emails is to get a lot of responses from a lot of people, not all of whom will be the deceased’s closest friends. Attending the burial of a buddy who was merely a passing acquaintance—is that ghoulish?
Stories by
Judith Martin
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Miss Manners: Why do strangers bother me by asking my dogs’ names when we’re out for a walk?
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Miss Manners: How can we break up smaller groups, who only talk to each other, at our family holiday?
GENTLE READER: Ghouls are creatures that enjoy graveyards; your intention to visit and your actions, if you had, would not have justified such a charge.
So why didn’t you? It was fair not to go if you were afraid that the spouse would cause a commotion if you did, as indicated by his comments and previous actions.
However, he would be acting in an excessive manner. Instead, Miss Manners perceives his speech as the resentful, thoughtless remark of a recent widower—made in pain and best ignored.
Going to prove him wrong would have been preferable. You can still write a letter of condolence, though.
Miss Manners can be reached by email at [email protected], via her website at www.missmanners.com, or by mail at Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
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