To Eric, A year ago, my 38-year-married spouse passed away. I’m 72 now, and he was 72. He had a tense connection with his younger sister, his sole sibling, and was somewhat of a recluse.
He hadn’t spoken to her at all for the past ten years. The primary reason, to be honest, was that he simply did not want to be her buddy. She is a kind and helpful person, yet he did what he did because he was himself.
I included her in the funeral service and reached out to her in a sisterly manner when he passed away. She was overjoyed. She bonded with me right away, started texting me multiple times a week, and called me her sister.
She doesn’t desire this close relationship. These nearly daily texts are not something I want to receive. They include pictures of her daily life and a wealth of information. I haven’t replied to any texts for the past few months, yet the hint is disregarded.
I’m not sure how to end our texting friendship without offending her. I need your opinion on the best way to stop texting her and, in general, maintain a comfortable space between us.
Individual Space
To Space: It’s a beautiful and affectionate gesture to form a fresh relationship with your sister-in-law. Setting a texting limit may seem like a danger of rehashing old wounds, but consider it the essential communication that is necessary for any successful relationship.
Inform her over the phone or in person that you value her and are happy to be in each other’s life, but that you are not a texter and would prefer to find another way to connect.
In order to replace the relationship she didn’t have with your spouse, she is eager and maybe ravenous. There’s nothing wrong with it in and of itself, but redirecting if it doesn’t work for you isn’t rude or unfair.
Stories by
R. Eric Thomas
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Asking Eric: I m fine hanging out with my girlfriend s pals, but large parties make me uncomfortable
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Asking Eric: I didn’t handle my husband’s life-changing car crash well. Now, he’s not sure he loves me
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Asking Eric: It irks me when my friends label time spent with my kids as babysitting
To Eric, Sunny Side’s mother contacted her several times a day with anxiety, and if she didn’t answer, she would call Sunny Side’s friends, according to the letter I just read. My spouse and I have had a similar circumstance involving an elderly relative. My recommendation would be to schedule a daily conversation time for her and her mother, such as 7 p.m. (or whenever it’s convenient). In this manner, her mother will know when she can definitely contact Sunny Side, and Sunny Side will know when to psychologically get ready for the call.
Additionally, it reduces the calls to only once a day, which is more than enough. In order to divert her attention from the impending doom and gloom, Sunny Side could prepare herself a cup of tea for the call or something similar. Another suggestion would be to make sure her mom is engaged with some other people socially, so she doesn t have to rely on talking to Sunny Side so much. Is there a senior center nearby with activities she could go to? Some senior organizations will send visitors to those who are homebound. I think working on this would help everyone, too it did in our case.
Happy Reader
Dear Happy Reader: Thank you for this suggestion. What s great about it is it gives both the letter writer and her mom tools to help manage their expectations.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas [email protected] P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him onInstagramand sign up for his weekly newsletter atrericthomas.com.
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