To Eric, My 88-year-old mother and I are not close.
I have never gotten along with you in my entire life. For me, I never fit her mold.
It has been eight years since I decided to stop communicating with her in any way. Her melodramatics are not necessary in my existence.
I think it’s hypocritical of me to go to her funeral after she passes away. My siblings don’t agree. I made that choice. I don’t have any amazing memories to think back on. My farewell is my farewell. Please share your ideas.
Daughter Who Lives Far Away
Stories by
R. Eric Thomas
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Asking Eric: Writer wants to change belittling patterns they learned as a child
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Asking Eric: I don t want my monetary gift to niece, nephew to be split with their step-siblings
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Asking Eric: I can t sit by silently and allow my son to continue another generation of abuse/domestic violence
To My Daughter: You have to make this choice. Your siblings’ interactions with your mother are based on their own stories. In order for them to grieve appropriately, they might want—or perhaps believe—that you co-sign their version of events. That is not true. You don’t have to make amazing memories where none existed. Furthermore, your memories—whether positive or negative—do not alter theirs.
We occasionally feel the need for everyone to come together around a single life story, particularly when a family member passes away. Conflict that is frequently made worse by loss might arise when family members don’t.
It will take some effort on the part of your siblings to let you go from that expectation. Try to relieve them of the need to verify or witness the story you’re in in return. Particularly prior to the passing of your mother, you don’t need to be drawn into arguments. Accordingly, politely but firmly refuse to participate if and when the topic is raised.
I would advise discussing your current feelings with someone you trust who is able to listen to your truth without passing judgment or making demands, even if as you write, your goodbye is your goodbye. A therapist will assist you in resolving the relationship, assessing its effects, and creating a strategy for future healing. However, as you work through this time and any discussions that may arise with your siblings, it’s also beneficial to rely on friends and other loved ones.
For inquiries, contact R. Eric Thomas at [email protected] or by mail at P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Subscribe to his weekly newsletter at rericthomas.com and follow him on Instagram.
