Greetings, readers
I got the opportunity to speak with R. Eric Thomas, another advice columnist, last week. You may watch a portion of that conversation below as well as read it here.
Let’s go on to the column.
To Lizzy,
My ex-wife is seeing one of my friends, I recently learned. I have been playing golf with this guy for more than ten years, but we are not best friends. The two children that my ex and I share know this man as a buddy who is currently dating their mother. I am upset about this, but I’m not sure how to bring it up with my ex-wife or buddy.
A former golf companion
To My Old Golf Partner,
I can see why you might feel negatively about this turn of events. Feel them! Discuss it with (unrelated) friends, write in a journal, or shout at the sea. After that, though, you’ll have to go on.
We are referring to your ex-wife, meaning that she is no longer your wife. You have no say in who she dates. Absolutely not.
We’re talking about a guy you play golf with, someone whose dating life you have no control over at all. I would say that you cannot tell him who he may and cannot date, even if he were your best friend. Of course, you could and ought to express your feelings to him if you were close. However, he is permitted to date your ex-wife and sounds more like a friend than the best man at your wedding.
You can’t call dibs on people, in my opinion. Everyone should have the freedom to choose the person they are in a relationship with, and neither party should have any say in who the other party is with when the relationship ends.
You can request that your ex-partner refrain from bringing new romantic interests home until they are in a committed relationship because you have children together. That’s about it, though.
It’s a small world. Even if you introduced these two, think about the likelihood that their decision to date has nothing to do with you. Perhaps they are in love. Perhaps they bring joy to one another.
Let go of your anger and give yourself permission to be happy. It won’t benefit anyone to hold onto your anger toward your children’s mother, and it may prevent you from pursuing a new relationship if that’s what you desire.
I wish you luck!
Lizzy
Do you have a pressing question? You can twitter at @lizzzyacker or send me an email at [email protected]. Alternatively, you may use this Google form to ask me a question in complete anonymity.
See Why Tho? for additional information.
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