Greetings, Miss Manners I went to a BBQ with my husband’s coworkers and their families last summer. I met the wife of a coworker who was wearing a T-shirt honoring the premature loss of a close cousin a year before. It was heartbreaking for her and the rest of the family, according to what my husband had informed me at the time.
Even though I always take care to offer condolences, I was at a loss this time and said nothing. There were several reasons for this, including the fact that I had never met the woman before (I hardly knew her husband), and the fact that the celebration was informal and joyous, with little to no conversation between us. Furthermore, I believe it would have been weird for a stranger to make an unexpected remark about her personal grief, even though I don’t think my husband went too far in telling me what she had gone through.
However, she had on a blouse that had his name along with the dates of his birth and death! Did I make the correct decision? Or should I have apologized for her loss and acknowledged her relative in passing?
I hope I didn’t make a mistake because she and her husband are such sweet people.
Stories by
Judith Martin
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Miss Manners: Whose responsibility are the raindrops that drip from umbrella onto someone else s head?
PERSONAL READER: Instantaneous, required instructions are not usually conveyed via t-shirt slogans. Perhaps because the wearers discovered they didn’t really want outsiders to comply, Miss Manners has seen that announcements like Kiss me, I’m Irish (or Italian, or whatever) have virtually vanished.
This woman may have simply picked up the clothing because it was convenient a year after the tragedy. It was up to you whether or not to comment on it.
But Miss Manners will use this chance to remind her readers once more of the significance of condolence letters. One can avoid the discomfort of bringing up the tragedy later in a happier context by properly expressing sympathies at the moment it happened. However, because you are cautious when offering condolences, Miss Manners believes your husband has already done so.
Miss Manners can be reached by email at [email protected], via her website at www.missmanners.com, or by mail at Miss Manners, Andrews McMeel Syndication, 1130 Walnut St., Kansas City, MO 64106.
