The first edition of this column appeared in 2021.
To Annie, please: Following a nine-day battle with cancer, my wife of 44 years passed away.We began dating at the age of 16, attended college together, were married at the age of 20, and graduated at the age of 21, marking the beginning of our real life together.Two months after turning sixty-five, Sally died. In a month, I will turn 65. Sally was already retired, and I was scheduled to retire in three months. Moving has been proposed for our paid-for home in a little Georgian town near a lovely creek. This place appeals to me.Within a few days, all of our dreams to travel and live together in retirement vanished.In order to accomplish everything we couldn’t till we retired, we had saved a ton of money. I’m not sure what to do now. She was my Mary Hatch, and I was her George Bailey. My eyes never wandered. I have no long-lost high school girlfriend. We have a tiny group of close friends, most of whom reside out of town.Both my son and daughter have grown up and are essentially independent. I refuse to be alone without female company for the next twenty years. I enjoyed my marriage. I don’t enjoy living alone. I am aware that my wife cannot be replaced. I’m accused of that by some.She was a retired teacher with education. She watched Julia Child and was aware of Emily Post. Every night, we watched Jeopardy together. “Travel feeds the soul,” she said, referring to her love of travel. She donated meals to shut-ins, worked at the church and hospital, and played bridge. I could watch Hallmark films with her, and she would watch football with me.I started learning how to play the guitar during the epidemic, and Mom would let me practice in the bedroom while she read in bed. I would much prefer have you creating a scene with me than somewhere else, she said.Now that she’s gone, should I try to move on from her and find someone else to spend my life with? Do I need to find another women like her? Should I pursue her first cousin with similar qualities who lost her husband last year? Are there women out there like her who are good-hearted and looking for a stable, educated man with whom to have a good time?How do I connect with them? I can t go back to the neighborhood front-yard football game again, be tackled by her, injure my shoulder and have her be the first girl to come to my house worried about me, which is how our love affair began. Help! — Lost at Potato CreekDear Lost: Your love affair sounds like something out of the movies. I am so sorry for your loss. Of course you are lost and confused, and that is understandable. You are not supposed to have all the answers to what the future will look like right now. Find other widowers who can understand what you are going through and help you work through your grief. The healthier you get with your own emotions, the healthier your next relationship will be.You will never replace your wife. You will now have a new normal, which will look different from your old normal, and that is perfectly natural. Instead of trying to find a replacement for your wife, try to remember all of your beautiful memories, which will live inside you for a lifetime.
Send your questions for Annie Lane [email protected].
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