To Eric, We have two kids together and have been married for almost ten years. I won’t lie and pretend that there haven’t been difficulties in recent years. Divorce and separation have been discussed.
My hubby has been going out a lot lately, at all hours of the night. I checked his phone since I had a feeling something wasn’t right. I know it’s not great, but I thought asking direct questions would have resulted in gaslighting.
In the past two weeks, I have discovered him conversing with a woman who calls herself a professional tease, complete with accompanying images. My husband eventually followed up by asking to meet and hang out.
I am deeply angry—not at her, but at him—and deeply hurt. and a plethora of other feelings. When I confronted him, he immediately began this isn t me, I didn t do this. My phone isn’t working properly. I recently acquired this phone.
He told me I m overreacting even though the language, even the emojis used, are his usual tone.
I’m looking for therapy. I don t know how to look at this person anymore. He is not an easy person to talk to; he does not like to be contradicted in his own self-image. I don t know how to move forward in the meantime. Please, what advice can you offer? I m so lost. I m just trying to be strong for myself and our kids, but I know me, I hold things.
Feeling Hopeless
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Dear Feeling: You re allowed to hold this for as long as it serves you. Your husband responded to your legitimate feelings of hurt and betrayal by lying to you when he should have taken responsibility and made amends. That doesn t give you anything to rebuild on.
Even if he s not physically cheating, it s clear from your feelings and his response that this texting relationship crossed a boundary in your relationship. He needs to address that and if he can t or won t, you can t move forward. If he won t talk to you directly, see if he ll go to couples counseling with you. This isn t your problem to fix alone.
In your one-on-one counseling, try to work through the pain you re feeling. It won t all dissipate right away, but it will be helpful to talk it through with someone who will listen, who can help you process and who won t dismiss what you re saying. You can also talk with your counselor about actions you can take to preserve your peace and your children s well-being. That might mean separation or divorce. You don t need his permission to explore those options. You can decide what s best for you right now.
Send questions to R. Eric Thomas [email protected] P.O. Box 22474, Philadelphia, PA 19110. Follow him onInstagramand sign up for his weekly newsletter atrericthomas.com.
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